Today’s dose of humour comes in the form of poking fun at my blogmate here Hulkmash. I wish I had artistic talent; I would make a comic strip of a little Ork (Dash) and a little Tyranid (Smash) who banter with each other across a 40k table.
Having survived my first week as a blogger, I’ve been inundated with data. Unique IP hits, traffic directs, flowcharts of blog traffic, and lots of things that Hulksmash takes a keen interest in that I don’t particularly care about. Who knew that blogging could be so complicated?!? Here’s an example conversation between us.
Dash: Got a new battle report written and scheduled to publish.
Smash: Oh, I changed the publication date to 0500 PST.
Dash: Why?
Smash: It corresponds best with the Australian and Pacific Rim workday. Studies show that most people read forums and blogs from work, so we need our content available throughout the workday of each time zone.
Dash: *blink*
Smash: Also, your post is too long.
Dash: What? A battle report takes as long as it does.
Smash: The average reader loses interest after 1,000 words, which is why I keep my posts short.
Dash: Maybe you’re just not that interesting to read.
Smash: No, I have the studies right here! *holds up complicated chart*
Dash: So you think I should do a single battle report in a series of posts? Like one turn at a time?
Smash: Or you could post all the pictures in one, and do a tactical analysis of the game in a different blog –
space out your publications to keep drawing readers back.
Dash: That seems overly complicated.
Smash: Well, statistics show that 87% of readers lose interest in a blog if new content isn’t available on each visit.
Dash: Well, we’ll get new readers – look! You’re up 24 followers since I joined the blog.
Smash: Hehe…I hired you for a reason, people love drama.
Dash: I came here to get away from the drama.
Smash: Well, you can control it but you can’t abandon it. Surveys show that 17.3% of content should be contentious to optimally invoke emotional responses and reader engagement.
Dash: Dude…
Smash: On the bright side, Adsense reports that we’ve made $8.17 in ad clicks since you joined the site! Only two more years before we can afford the entry fee to a GT based on the revenue from the blog.
Dash: I get 70% of that since my “Hello, I’m Dash” thread has more unique views than all your posts put together right?
Smash: No no, that’s not what the statistics say, they say that you’re a drama queen.
Dash: I’m pretty sure you made that up because you’re a hippie.
……And on and on it goes. Hulksmash the professional blogger. He even said that he’s considering starting a new career field of “Professional Blog Management” to inundate bloggers with all sorts of statistical data about optimal content and readership conditions. We should totally change the tagline of his blog. “Taking Nerdy WAY past sci-fi man barbies.”
